I · Could · Show · You · Such · Sights...

I'm not sure I even remember how to write anything coherent anymore. That's a lie, I'm good at writing. I've just realized that I have nothing interesting to say. The banalities of my daily life aren't worth documenting anymore. There's no turmoil anymore. I wake up and go to work...I come home and fall asleep. On my days off I go to Chico and visit Sally. Everything is comfortable. For the first time in my life I feel the need to focus myself on what it is I do for a living. That's such a strange concept for me. I'm so used to hating my source of income that I latch on to whatever else I can to distract me from that. But I can say with all certainty that I really do enjoy my job. Enjoying my job makes all my off time that much more enriched. I don't dread the next day I have to go in...and in fact, I look foreward. I have a new manager that isn't fully inept, and I feel like I can learn from him the few necessary skills I need to take over the store when and if (read: when...he has to drive from Durham to Red Bluff...come on) he leaves. And to top it off, he's a nice guy to boot.

I took this Assistant Managers position because I thought of it as a stepping stone...an addition to my resume' and little more. But, the more I work for the company the more I like where things are going. And that means a brighter future for me. I only wish I'd been introduced to this at an earlier stage in my life. Oh well...being nearly 31 and having a direction in life isn't all that bad. All you kids getting degrees and whatnot just get to have all that responsibility a lot sooner than I did. Not that I haven't had my share of responsibilities...being a husband and step-father at 23 was a huge burden. And it's one I don't recommend at that young an age. However, you make your choices, you give yourself to something you believe in and you can't afford to second guess yourself. It may end up in a later regret. It may not.

I took Sally out to Basque Norte on Valentine's Day. I'm actually glad that they were the one place that didn't take reservations that night. The food was fantastic...although the table was near one of the Emergency Exits. I have such a good time with her. It's difficult to explain what our connection is exactly. We both like a lot of the same 'old' music...a lot. As for new...well...she likes crap:) I guess I like a lot of crap too...but at least my crap isn't gobbled up by milions of tweens that're more into how the 'artist' looks and performs than who actually wrote the song. That aside...I really like our time together. Jeopardy! nights...boundaries...endless movie quotes...swaying. She's even going to brave Lamb Of God with me (tix courtesy of her not to mention). I doubt she'll go up close with me...but all the same...'happy times!'

I guess I'm done for the night. If that was interesting, let me know...I'll post more of my mundane crap a bit more often...

Tyler

P.S. I'm getting my amp back this week! Metal soon...

The problem is when home feels alien to you. For the better part of my years, although not by my own choice, I've lived in this town. I was born here, raised here, and even (gasp) graduated high school here. I've watched as the best redneck version of urban sprawl has tried to get it's concrete hands on this place. I've also seen what happens when two feuding clans rally the troops with the most teeth to go all pugilistic on each-others asses behind a dusty corral.

Unlike most places where people get together on St. Paddy's day or Halloween to have a good time, we have the Red Bluff Bull and Gelding Sale and The Red Bluff Round-Up. This town's collective anus puckers with excitement for the whole week before the Round-Up. I wish that were more joke than truth to be honest, but it really isn't. You'd think that with events like those there would be a down home charm and easy goin' howdy ma'am vibe 'round these parts. But that isn't true either. I felt safer walking to a Safeway in the middle of the night on a dimly lit back-street where gunshots were a regular occurence than I did when I walked home from work today...in broad daylight.

I'm wondering if it's just my disposition. Is it that I'm too easy going? I guess maybe I'm the outsider here. My propensity to walk through town with my shirt (not wife-beater) on might have seemed like a North Korean missile test. My Volvo without an outdated lower kit, ground effects, or trunk rattling bass quietly rolling by might have provoked like a Romulan Warbird entering The Neutral Zone. Maybe I should go Borg and assimilate this alien culture into my collective conscious and make it my own? Resistance is futile...

There's a strange kind of cultural dichotomy here. You have the typical Carhartt wearing, Toby Keith loving, Dubya supporting rednecks. But then there are the Honda driving wannabe thugs too. The funny thing there is, they both have the same mentality. The same chest out alpha male primate instinct (disregard my screen name for the remainder of this post) to fight first and ask questions later. It's been like that since I can remember. Now, before you go and say "Well yeah Tyler, there are people like that everywhere." or "You came from that town and YOU'RE not that way." let me explain a few things. I've met locals from San Jose to Chico. Been in social situations where there were all different types of people in the same place and never had a problem. It's as if the lack of diversity breeds a volatile form of apathy. They hate eachother just as much as they hate 'folks that ain't from around here'. Or they're just too bored to ask questions and a visceral experience is the only thing that will help. I guess that's what happens in a town where the only entertainment you have comes in the form of angry animals being tortured for money and the only place you can get your shopping done is Wal-Mart. Oh, I forgot the Monster Trucks, Boat Drags, and Motocross...my mistake.

I don't know. I guess I just had a higher expectation of the human condition. Maybe that if I grew while I was away, then the hometown away from home would grow too.

I talked to one of the best friends I've ever had the pleasure and opportunity of having in my life just a little while ago. He's leaving the area to persue his future in another state. I wish him all the best. He's a shining light on the bleak horizon to be sure. All who have met him will remember him and his laugh. I'll remember...creating with him. Giving birth to a living creature called music. The only birth a man can give. I will miss him. I will shed tears upon his leaving. He is a gift from above and not to be taken for granted.

I will miss you Mikebike.

Your lucky friend,

Tyler.

I've been helping my step-dad out a little bit as of late. Going to jobs and doing menial yard work and the like. I've never been one to jump at the chance to go dig a ditch or help re-shingle a roof. It just isn't something I enjoy doing. I'm all for lending a hand if he or anyone else needs it mind you. But someone told me that they had more respect for a person that builds houses or lays concrete for a living than they do for someone that works in a cushy air conditioned building. That got me to thinking about the different mentalities people have about 'work'. I'm not talking about the City Slickers wall street broker finds new respect for ranch hand and vice versa buddy movie mentality. I mean what it means to do a days work. Does someone that gets up and works from 6am to 6pm laying carpet in new condos deserve more respect than someone that works from 7pm to 7am protecting a companies assets? Anyone can go pound nails just as easily as anyone can go work at Wal-Mart. And if the compensation is the same in either case...where does the respect come from? Some people just aren't the type to do certain jobs, we all know that. But my question is, why is it when a bricklayer says they aren't cut out for office work, they're given that concession? "Yeah, sitting all day cooped up in an office would drive me crazy too" But if you were to say that you just weren't cut out for physical labor the concession isn't granted. And in most cases you were labeled a lazy assed layabout. It seems to me that working hard doing a physical job that requires the minimal amount of mental effort garners more respect. Maybe you college kids taking journalism classes or studying business should just throw in the towel and go blue collar. No need for a degree. No grad school...hell, even I could do that, and get a little respect in the process. I respect anyone that works hard for a living. In whatever it is that they do. Equally. Why? Because I've been on both sides of the argument. I worked a full time cushy job during the day and then came home to strip walls for painting at night. I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning to help prep floors for tile and carpet then go charge people late fees for renting terrible movies. But what does my opinion matter? I'm a shitless layabout.

Just think about this for a minute. Where would you be if your favorite author decided he wanted a respectable job in the construction industry? What if the artist that captured your imagination and inspired you to pick up a brush had listened to his father and become a house painter instead? And lets not forget the countless songwriters that spoke to you while you were at your worst, and made it seem like all the shit you were going through made a little sense. Did it matter what they used to do to pay the bills?

No...no...I said I want the tiles laid perpendiculary.

My oldest friend got married today. It was a surreal experience being there. It made me pretty sad too...knowing that he isn't as big a part of my life as he used to be...and more that I'm not a part of his. That's my fault of course. I moved away from this shitty town, but also from my friend. I wished him all the happiness in the world, but I barely know him anymore...much less his new bride. I hope that with the time I have here I'll be able to bridge that gap.

It's been a while since I wrote an actual entry in this journal. One that isn't relaying facts presented in documentaries anyway.

Due to roommate circumstances beyond my control, I've been forced to move back in with my mother and step-father for the time being. Although the prospect of having no real bills to pay is nice, I find that I'd become such the recluse at my old apartment that my own mother's presence frustrates and annoys me. I love my mother and I don't know what I'd do without her. But jesus christ can she get on my nerves. She told me a ten minute story the other day about seeing someone at a dinner function. Not what they talked about, but the story about why they hadn't talked for so long. I then realized that I do the same thing. You will become your parents in one way or another...get used to the idea.

For anyone that's been here, you know how boring the town of Red Bluff can be. For those of you that haven't...I offer these facts: 1. While most towns offer an array of shopping options for general wares, Red Bluff has Wal-Mart...and as an aside, while Wal-Marts in Chico, and Redding are open 24 hours to serve you, this particular store closes at 10pm. 2. While I haven't gone out here since I've been back (and I can't see a reason why I would) even on the busiest of weekends none of the bars here are more than half capacity...with the exception of this coming Rodeo Weekend. 3. Rodeo Weekend 4. A person driving across town to Hollywood Video to return movies after 10pm will see a total of 3 cars (I counted last night...and it's a good 2-3 miles away) ...and the store here closes at 11 Sun-Thurs.

While there are many disadvantages to living here. The biggest advantage is my proximity to Lauren. I now have the opportunity to see her on a regular basis. I can pick her up from work if she doesn't have a ride (aaand I have sufficient gas...and fuck gas prices too). We'll get the chance to have a more normal relationship. Not one that is dependent on weekend visits. There will be house-boating this summer too. Being here has given me motivation to get the fuck out of the rut I was in as well...to start a life with her. She bought a couch...that I'm going to store for her...hopefully it'll soon be in a place that houses the both of us.

On a different note...aside from the bitching and moaning about this place...I would like to say that I miss my friends a great deal. They know who they are.

Earlier tonight Lauren and I went to see a free screening of the documentary Wal-Mart: The High Cost Of Low Price at the State Theater in Red Bluff. The screening was held by a local organization that is (rightly so) opposed to the building of a new Wal-Mart Supercenter on a parcel of land adjacent to the already existing Wal-Mart.

The film itself documents several individual stories about the effects of Wal-Mart on local economies. Small businesses are forced to close their doors less than a year after Wal-Mart opens, after happily serving their communities for decades. Family owned businesses that apply for subsidies are denied while the multi-billion dollar Wal-Mart corporation gets paid by the local government to build a new store in that same town. Millions of state taxpayer dollars are going to pay for new Wal-Mart stores instead of paying to keep existing schools open.

Full time Wal-Mart associates are encouraged by management to go on state (that means taxpayer) assistance programs like WIC, Medicaid, and even welfare because they can't afford the benefits offered by Wal-Mart and feed their families. The corporation employs an Anit-Union security system. That means if you work for Wal-Mart and you get together with other associates to discuss approaching a union to secure better wages and benefits, you're going to be targeted and possibly terminated. By the way, German Wal-Mart associates are unionized and get 30 vacation days a year, full medical benefits and higher wages than their U.S. counterparts.

Factories in China, Honduras, and Bangaladesh provide much of the clothing and toys sold in Wal-Mart stores...that's not made in America like their slogan suggests. A couple employed by the Chinese factory work 14 hour days each. One during the day and one at night. This couple makes a combined wage of three...that's the number 3...dollars a day. They have the choice of living in a dorm style apartment provided by Wal-Mart for which they must pay rent and utilities (both of which are taken from the employees check), or they can live in an off site apartment with free utilities and pay their own rent...but the dorm rent is still deducted from their check, even though they don't live in the dorm.

Testimonials like those are given by former and current Wal-Mart associates as well. Many of which served the company for 10+ years in high positions. One in particular was fired for doing his job...which was to report on the humane working conditions in a South American factory. He told the truth to his superiors about the unsafe conditions there, and was fired...after 10+ years with the company.

The film was more than an eye opener. If you get the chance, please go rent or buy this film...show it to your friends...show it to your family...show it to anyone that shops at Wal-Mart.

From time to time you have to take a step back and take a look at your surroundings. Not just the room you're in that's in the house you're in on the street which you live. But, rather, your own collected little world. Look at the things and the people you keep around you. What song do you listen to when you feel down? What film do you watch to make you laugh? Whose face do you look upon for inspiration? Started...or finished any good books lately? I have.

Aside from a few menial necessities, I'd say my little world of Tyler is pretty comfortable right now. Sometimes uncommonly so.

I just put a place to view my particular face on-line. Different lines and curves and pigmented dots will appear there.

What all that gibberish meant...? Who knows, but yeah...

Things seem to be going along pretty nicely. Aside from the fucking cold outside.

This past weekend was a real treat. I had a date with this hot little number from Redding. I wish I had a picture of my face when I picked her up. There were many notable highlights to the weekend...the film Hostel wasn't necessarily among them...gore for the sake of gore is fine by me, but that's not really scary. Trouncing Lauren three games to one in Air-Hockey though...that's worthy of mention...although she is technically up by one game overall. Simply put...my weekend was better than yours.

I'm readying a few things for the launch of a new MySpace page for myself. I'm going to be putting up music that comes to me in varying forms. The first thing you'll hear is a song that came to me when I reconnected with a lady. That lady was special to me before, and upon this re-kindling, has made all the aspects of my life seem more significant. It'll be a musical representation of that...I hope.

I'll probably end up putting little dittys on there for fun. Maybe a cover of a song I find particularly interesting. This will be my outlet for music that I normally wouldn't have room for in whatever band endeavors I persue.

I hope you all enjoy...I'll keep you posted.

And...

Aside from a few finishing touches and mixing, The Sweeter Side Of October (Lauren's Song) is finished.

I should have it up with a new page in a couple of weeks.

Where is that place you run when your heart burns and your head throbs? Are there arms out there that embrace tighter than the wires thin on me?

What ever the fuck that means...

I'm done

...but it's done, and it wasn't my fault.

I'm not going to do it...not going to let that happen. I'm not going to let myself sabotage the happiness I've waited for with the one person I've wanted to be happy with for so long. Mistakes were made...things were said...and that's fine...it's done. Over is over...I'm deleting the past.

I'm writing a new history, with you...

I have a new pair of pants...Lauren bought them for me last night after we went to the deli. They're...*dramatic pause*...denim! I haven't had a pair of denim jeans for like two years. Merry Christ-X to me. There was a reciprocation of course...and ice cream.

Who knew how neat stop lights could be.

Dozed on the couch watching Conan. I tucked her in and went on my way. Listened to Angels And Demons on the drive. Good book.

1. If you could 'take back' your virginity from your first partner, would you?
Even if I thought it was a mistake (which I don't) I wouldn't take it back.

2. Would you prefer the lights on or off during sex?
I like to mix it up a bit...on...off...no matter.

3. Do you judge people solely by their musical preferences?
I wouldn't be honest if I said no. I have a hard time thinking that people listen to music that has no substance. I do my best to judge the person by the person...not what they have in their CD player.

4. Would you make a fool out of yourself in public if it meant you were making your partner laugh?
I'd like to think that my partner would appreciate a laugh just about anywhere. I'd take a pratfall to get a chuckle from her. Plus, that smile can dim things.

5. Would you ever start a relationship with someone who was still living with an ex for financial reasons?
I'd have a hard time with that one. There are a lot of variables.

6. Do you need to know everything about someone's past?
Not everything. The things that are important will rarely change, but if they had something to hide, I would want to know what that thing was and why they'd feel the need to keep it from me. I'm pretty open minded about things that are passed.

7. Is it more worthwhile and satisfying to improve the world or appreciate the world?
Worthwhile to whom? I'd like to improve the world for my part...but it's not possible to change it by yourself.

8. Do you feel you have a purpose or calling in life?
I believe that everyone has a purpose and that were they not around, someone elses life would be different. The people around you give you purpose.

9. Do you believe that dreams can be messages from a "higher level"?
In a way...a higher level of consciousness. But not a higher deity.

10. Would you rather have a great friend you could share everything with or a great lover you can't really talk to?
I'll take the great lover with whom I can share everything for a thousand Alex.

11. Is the male or female body the closest to perfection?
Female. Duh. <---that

12. Should a child who's caught masturbating be punished?
If he or she gets caught, they're doing it wrong.

13. Do you like kissing in public?
I do like it...but not for the sake of doing it in public.

14. Do you have a fetish that you would like to employ in your next relationship?
I may...but I do not wish to wait till my 'next' relationship.

15. Did America really put a man on the moon?
Eh...didn't that cow jump over the moon?

16. Would you date someone significantly (9 years or over) older than you?
So long as the person was someone with whom I'm compatible.

17. Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
Right now...music, a good conversation, and Lauren

18. How well do you handle criticism?
I'm usually shocked by criticism...either I'm too modest to think what they're telling me is true, or too full of myself to think that I have a flaw...bahaha

19. Would you like to date someone a lot poorer than you?
This is a stupid question.

20. When fooling around with someone, do you sometimes have sexual fantasies about other people?
Nope

21. Is it possible for full-figured women to be equally attractive as thinner women?
Lauren's hella hotter than you.

22. Have you ever seen "Swingers"?
I own them shits.

23. Do you think the family of a murder victim should have any say in what punishment is given to the murderer?
Umm...not really...but I don't think a murderer should get a sentence of 600 years in prison.

24. Would you have a "Happy Button" installed on your body, connected to your brain, which would instantly make you very happy whenever you pressed it?
Nope...you'd never posess any wisdom without some kind of pain...and happy isn't something you should get just because you know it's there.

25. Would you rather know everything about your mate, or be regularly surprised?
If I knew everything, I'd never learn anything.

26. We are all human, do you judge someone for a past indiscretion?
Well...the past is the past. But, there are things that might change my opinion of that persons character.

27. What is sexiest on a woman?
Something that makes her feel sexy...if she feels sexy, she'll be sexy.

28. Would you rather have your dream job or your soul mate for the rest of your life?
I don't have a dream job.

29. Do you consider yourself sexually open minded?
Master Donuts comes to mind...

30. Should your mate also become your best friend?
Hmm, well, if you're with a mate, they know things about you that no friend ever would. I think it's a different kind of 'best friend' than that guy I grew up with. You can't ask your girlfriend for relationship advice.

31. Would you rather marry a virgin or someone experienced?
Someone experienced.

32. Have you ever had a true one-night stand?
Like met, sexed, left, and never called? No

33. Have you ever posed as a nude model while someone sketched, painted, or photographed you?
Nope...paint would be messy.

34. Would you prefer good things happening, or interesting things?
They kind of go hand in hand don't they? Good can't be boring and interesting isn't bad.

35. Is it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?
Love and loss are necessary to be human. It's just as wrong to deny love and loss to a person as it is to lose what it is you love.

I had an amazing weekend. It's raining outside right now.

I've been writing music like mad for the last few days. It's not typical music for me. Layered and instrumental. I like the deviation. I like the inspiration. I like that the inspiration is aware of what's happening. I plan on tracking all this new material soon. Home recordings are pretty fun. Maybe some of you might be priviledged enough to hear some of it.

...getting a root canal.

Seriously. They're the best thing ever. This guy jams a needle into your gums and numbs them up real good. Then he drills the fuck out of your tooth. He makes sure to tell you to give him a signal if you want him to stop, which I thought was considerate. When you give him the signal, he jams another needle into your jaw muscle and numbs that all up too. More drilling...with a nice, quiet, slow drill...not the high and whiny one he used before. After that he gets these teeny files and grinds away at your tooth root. When that's over he crams this rubber stopper down the length of the root and seals it up with dental cement. After a few minutes he takes an X-Ray and then develops it. Upon his approval of the work, he burns off the excess rubber and makes it all clean. When that's over he clamps this metal thing around your tooth and fills it with goop from what looks like a hot glue gun. A little more drilling to smooth out the edges and voila!

So, this past weekend was something worthy of relaying. I picked Lauren up from work Friday afternoon. I was a little nervous as we have a strange type of history, and hadn't seen one another for six or seven weeks. When she walked out, the smile she wore dissolved the nervousness and replaced it with the familiar excited anticipation that I previously knew. We had deli sammiches, which were amazing. For some reason, I can't seem to keep my eyes off of her. It was like that for most of the weekend.

Later Friday evening we went to a fairly entertaining party hosted by our good friends Vladi and Raul. Lauren and I conducted one of two proposed experiments, which ended quite as I assumed it would. After sleeping a paltry 5 hours we laid around for most of the morning watching scary movies on AMC and dozing off. Then Aca Taco. More lounging/not lounging and then Celestino's. Experiment number two consisted of a small blue pill of euphoria. We walked to Meagan's house for a small party she was having. Lot's of giggling, a few bits of well needed (and very warmly recieved) honesty, and the urge to dance and do combat rolls was the order of the evening. All the while, what little blue green I could see, I couldn't stop looking at. Sunday wasn't much different, aside from the sleeping. There was a proposed stroll through the park that was foregone because the outdoors are very overrated. The drive back to Redding had a few interruptions, for air in the tires and Jack In The Box...what I neglected to mention to her was that I purposely drove below the speed limit so it took a little longer to get there. Yeah, pretty much doomed.